cheese bag

Keyword: cheese bag
Results: 1,850
Obso:

There always seems to be a cheese bag in the fridge. This is due to the seemingly high demand for crackers, and, of course, cheese present in the hour or two before dinner at my parent’s house.

The arrangement is typically composed with a small round cutting board on which sit both soft and firm cheeses, one of which is usually smoked, and a box of either Triscuts or Wheat Thins. A knife is also typically present.

On occasion, a cracker bag may make an appearance. In this case, the feeding frenzy has subsided, and the crumbs have settled. My mother, Koko, will determine that there are not enough crackers left in the box justify the cumbersome transportation of a dozen or less crackers in their original packaging the 37 inches from the kitchen counter to the pantry. This confectionary remainder is then efficiently moved to a zip-lock bag, and finally to the pantry to wait for the cheese bag to make it's appearance the next day. However, this eventuality is rare.

The more commonplace cheese bag has become a fixture in the crisper drawer of my parent's 'wide-by-side' not in response to a question of efficiency, but as a result of the vacuum-sealed packaging of said cheeses being destroyed as they are clawed at by either myself, or my black-sheep brother Mike. The cheese bag is established day after day as we, groggy with cheese, slump down between the sofa cushions leaving our appetites and waning blocks of cheese on the kitchen counter. With good humor, Koko collects the leftovers, which become the cheese, and (occasional) cracker bag.

P.S. J.K., the images on Can You Picture... are always faithfully retrieved from the Google image search

opossum in the pool

Keyword: opossum in the pool
Results: 5
Obso:

Somewhere about midnight Koko noticed what she took to be a strange cat filching a meal from the food dishes left on the screened porch for the 3 cats for which the meal was intended.

She wrapped upon the glass of the sliding door separating the sofas from 90% humidity only to find that the startled animal was not indeed a strange cat but a strange opossum. The bewildered animal, mouth full of masticated fancy feast, ran from his impromptu dinner straight into the pool.

After several spastic laps, and empting his bowels in the shallow end of the pool, the opossum was landed by my father with the aid of a large net on the end of a stick.

"opossum poop in the pool" yielded no results.

monkey

Keyword: monkey
Results: 706,000
Obso:

I was looking for a pic of a monkey to use on instant messenger when I found this little gem. I had no real intention of posting anything on Can You Picture... today as:

1. I have not felt incredibly inspired by any inspiring pop culture phrases or otherwise any personal topic. I have started a new job at The Gainesville Sun, (the local paper in Gainesville, FL) and have comfortably settled into a suite of rooms in my parents house so to the point of resuming my comfortable practice of leaving my "dirty" clothes in pools on the floor next to the bed and in the bathroom. As far as personal relevance is concerned, the only keyword I could possibly muster at this point might be 'shoehorn.'

2. Having started said new job, I am reluctant to begin/resume the habit of posting from work.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to my dear wife who has been through quite an ordeal as of late; moving to a strange new town, and living with strange new people, namely my parents (an arrangement which [God willing] is going to be exceedingly temporary.)

Incidentally, "Howler" (as in the above illustrated "Howler Monkey") is just one of the many ways my last name has been mispronounced by gym teachers over the years.

downtime

Keyword: downtime
Results: 22,000
Obso:

Got some downtime on the first day ata new job.

new jeans

Keyword: new jeans
Results: 16,100
Obso:

Got some new jeans today, $17.95 on the Target clearance rack. Kick-ass.

no more beard

Keyword: no more beard
Results: 149
Obso:

For me, growing a beard is about as easy as finding a keg party to crash the weekend after financial aid checks are dispersed.

Not unlike the aforementioned keggers, beard growth is not something I plan for, or otherwise think through. A beard bash generally commences after having spent several days unshaven. I step from the shower one morning with the intention of sprucing up my appearance, but after assessing the razor situation I decide that it is in my best interest to continue my beard growth past the point of no return rather than spend an equivalent amount of time dabbing at my countenance with scraps of toilet paper waiting for my blood to clot.

A month later the party is still raging and the cops have been by twice, that is to say my dear wife has made daily the impassioned plea ‘When are you going to shave?’ I acquiesce and head to the store for some razors. I startle the checkout girl at the grocery store till who at first (and second) glance mistakes me for Florida’s famed Skunk Ape.

I shave, but not completely. I step from the fog that pours from the bathroom in which I have been working feverishly for the past hour to craft one of three new looks.

1. Hitler – Small nose width moustache
2. Doc Holiday – Handle bar moustache and soul patch
3. Abraham Lincoln – Beard, no moustache

I am then sent back to the bathroom to finish the job.

too much crap

Keyword: too much crap
Results: 182
Obso:

1. I think I need to change the word "random" in the above description to "topical."

2. After moving approximately 3500 cubic feet of personal possessions, 3 cats, and one baby 2 hours north we are still bound to Stinktown by a lawn chair, 6 double rolls of Charmin, a base amp, a framed poster of Neil Cassidy, a bag of gift wrap, dirty towels, 736 plastic coat hangers, a fourth of a sleeve of Starbucks holiday "hot" cups, a gift bag of assorted shower gels and dead batteries (to be recycled)...oh yes, and a mortgage. My wife and I can't believe that after collectively piloting a 16' moving truck and two different '01 model Oldsmobile’s we have to tread the orange road cone dotted landscape of Stinktown once again to ferry back a bicycle pump and a bottle of Mandarin orange/honey nut cluster shampoo to which we are hopelessly emotionally attached.

(Sigh)

quit your job

Keyword: quit your job
Results: 913
Obso:

This has been a fairly disappointing image search. I started out searching under the phrase 'i quit' which produced a lot of humorless quit smoking graphics, and a number of images from some pro-life Website of employees at an abortion clinic who had presumably quit for some reason (I presume that they had quit as the images in question generally feature a middle aged woman walking dejectedly across a parking lot in one of those crazy administrative O.R. scrubs, overlaid in large, red, bold letters with the word “QUIT.”)

I then preformed a search on ‘quit your job’, which simply eliminated most of the anti-tobacco graphics.

The point is, today leave my job as Graphic Designer for greener pastures of employment. Go me.

chinese toilet

Keyword: chinese toilet
Results: 265
Obso:

My mother has always claimed that Chinese people stand on the toilet seat when using the bathroom. I'm not sure why this gripe of hers seemed to surface so often, but I remember her saying something about the seats of public toilets always being all scuffed up. My brothers and I always took our mother's threadbare complaint for some odd brand of bigotry, but I stand, or squat in this case, (somewhat) corrected.

There are still a few gaping holes in mom's postulate however:

1. One would need shoes with an amazing amount of traction to stand firmly on the slick surface of a western toilet seat (although this may account for the alleged scuff marks.)

2. Mom assumes that the Chinese people are so culturally isolated by their Commie-Pinko society that they would be totally baffled by the idea of sit-down toilet. This notion is only entertainable until you remember that there are Mc Donald’s and Disney World among the dozens of other western corporate entities nestled behind The Great Wall.

Upon seeing the above image, my mother astutely pointed out something I had missed. There is no toilet paper.

Eww.

happy birthday to me

Keyword: happy birthday to me
Results: 9,030
Obso:

Yesterday was my 27th birthday. In celebration there of, my lovely wife and I spent the day pounding the pavement of 3 of America's favorite theme parks, in an attempt to absorb every last drop of happiness there was to be had at the happiest place on earth, er… on the east coast anyway. Incidentally, I think we reached our happiness saturation point at a pub in a city block sized area dolled up to resemble England, after which I dragged my poor wife by the hand across many more miles of paved bliss like a Labrador puppy for another 4 hours. The coma like slumber into which I thankfully fell upon returning home at 10:30 last night was a welcome close to a great birthday….um, day.

piece of shit car

Keyword: piece of shit car
Results: 24
Obso:

Thank God! We are finally selling my wife's piece of shit car!! She is hopelessly attached to her junker '96 white Neon. I say white, because that was the color intended by the fine folks in the Chrysler design department, but in reality the paint is flaking off in chunks that resemble the states of the union, and some how, oddly, in the exact chronological order of the date each state achieved statehood. The over all effect is that the car is now camouflaged for a covert mission in Cold War Siberia. (Oooo, I hope I don't disclose your location to the Soviet snipers!)

Anyway. By the end of the day we will have hopefully unloaded... (fuck, my wife tells me that a sitter [Sio] won't be available until Wednesday to watch little Purvis while we dump) our "piece of shit car" on the unsuspecting sales reps at Carmax. Well Fred Beans (the car's name, so named for the dealer plate on the front reading "Fred Beans") you've gotten your stay of execution, but all the same, DEAD MAN WALKING!

Sooooo, the above image isn't all that funny, except that it is derived from someone's homepage with a title that reads:

get ready....get real goddam excited....put your hands together for:

SHIT CAR 2001!!!!!

meth lab

Keyword: meth lab
Results: 1,370
Obso:

Inspired by this week's Newsweek cover article, and the blurb on this morning's American Morning

Ok, so a pretty depressing search topic, in addition to which I am probably now on some kind of watch list. I hope I don't get a cold/have an allergic reaction to something requiring the purchase of OTC meds. I might have to have you go into the store and pick up some Sudafed for me so that I don't have the NARC squad coming through my front door, wading through the sea of discarded Kleenex that litter the floor to dash a piping hot bowl of matzo ball soup from my hands as they push my face down between the couch cushions with the loose change and stale Cheez-its to cuff me. That would suck.

Anyway, yes, Meth addiction is uber tragic. Stay away from Meth. I can't believe that we, as a nation, didn't learn this lesson from the ghetto David Silver in the early college years of 90210. I've been preaching the gospel of Beverly Hills 90210 to def ears for years. Maybe now you'll listen. Bitches.

Anyway, the sliver lining is the production of the above graphic. There seem to be a few incarnations of this image floating around, one, where interior of what appears to be a decrepit double wide trailer has been superimposed in the background.

Funny, sad, but funny.

I would advise simply enjoying the image above and not performing the search yourself, the results are pretty depressing.

stinktown

Keyword: stinktown
Results: 7
Obso:

‘stinktown’ is the name my wife and I have affectionately dubbed the city where we live, and thankfully will live for only scant weeks more. While this designation is (partly) in gest, there does seem to be an actual ‘Stinktown’ map location.

The above image is from the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection’s Website on a page labeled “Aquatic Life Use Attainability Evaluation Water Quality Standards Review…Stinktown Run to Mouth…” I hate to contemplate the innuendo that could be drawn from “Stinktown Run to Mouth” so I’ll leave it alone.

It seems “Stinktown Run” is some kind of waterway. As much of a relief as that is it to find that “Stinktown Run” simply refers to what I imagine must be a muddy creek bed and not something far more nefarious, it must be a bit of a smudge on the Pennsylvania D.E.P.’s record to manage a body to which such a lowly handle.

I would also like to mention that my initial search of ‘stink town’ as two words was quickly poo-pooed when Google coyly entreated “Did you mean: stinktown” Silly me.

B.T.W. Did you know you can click on the pictures to see a larger version? I didn't.

crassbag

Keyword: crassbag
Results: 11
Obso:

Hmm, a surprisingly limited number of results for 'assbag.' I dunno, I would have guessed 'assbag' would have a stronger Web presence. Interestingly enough, the term 'assbag', spanning Web content of all kinds, comes in at 4,830 hits. I suppose an assbag is a hard thing to illustrate, although, 'Props' to the artist of the above illustration!